Love Of My Life

Well, I'm in the second week of schooling here at Duke Divinity School and I must admit it's not gotten any easier. Don't worry, I'll spare you all the "there's too much reading, there's too many papers to be written, I can't remember it all" statements. I'll simply say, "ditto."

I've discovered another problem, though, one that has been ever growing over the last several years and I find it harder to work through, and that's missing my wife. Call me a sap, call me a wuss, call me wimp, the fact is, I really miss my wife!

Now, before you roll your eyes and mumble under your breath, let me just say that I am very capable of going away for periods of time from my wife and, though missing her, can get along pretty well without her. That's not what's at issue here. What's at issue is that, in most things, I would rather not "get along" without her because, when I am without her, there is a piece of me missing. I feel incomplete.

As of tomorrow, Wednesday, July 14th, Heather and I will have been married 9 years. I messed up last year's anniversary pretty royally and for this year, here I sit at Duke and she in Lancaster. But I'm not messing this one up, no sirie.

Nine years. It's hard to believe. Not that it's hard to believe that we have been married for 9 years but to realize what we have been through over those last 9 years, with major job changes, health issues, near death experiences (just one that I know of), major moves, living in a new country (seemed like it at first), being away from our family, it's been a journey of curves, pot holes, mountains, valley's, and even floods. But I can't even imagine going through it all without having Heather by my side. In fact, I've made it along this road in large part because of her (the other "part" is due to God, who, by the way, brought Heather into my life, so one could say it was all his doing and leading and helping and that would be true but then, you're missing my point, aren't you?). 

It wasn't my intention to fall in love with her. I just wanted to date her, have a "fine" lady friend I could hang out with when I was down from Nashville visiting family in Birmingham.

Didn't quite work out that way, as you can tell. And I'm very thankful for that.

I am here at Duke to "strengthen my mind and spirit," as they say, but the truth is, my greatest source of strength has come from my wife. I continue to learn, to be taught, through her words and by her love. When all confidence is gone within me, she steps in and covers me with hers.

Ours isn't a perfect love nor do I claim that we have a perfect marriage. I'm not perfect. But we work hard at it. We came together out of and from brokenness and we know how delicate marriage is and that it is, in fact, an unending journey towards a mysterious union of heart, body and mind. Such fragile things must not be taken for granted. So we try to walk carefully, not running but walking. As the song goes (sort of), we are one person (joined), we are two alone (individuals), we are three together (God, her and I), we are for each other.  (Crosby, Still & Nash - Helplessly Hoping)

So, as we begin our 10th year together, I am excited about what lies ahead; and anxious; and uncertain; but I know that I don't walk alone and I know that we walk together with God, always trying to keep our eyes on the Author and Perfecter of our faith.

Heather, thank you for marrying me.
Thank you for staying with me.
Thank you for being my Anam Cara.
Thank you for sharing in this Great Big Love we have been given from God.

Wish you were here, hon. I sure do miss you.
Happy anniversary!

Intimacy of Biblical Proportions

Most of us can think back to those very early days when we were first falling in love with the person of our dreams. There comes a smile to our hearts and faces as we remember how we went out of our way to get close to that person, to get their attention, to strike up a conversation. From there, when we felt that our personalities clicked, we worked very hard to spend time with each other. We would give up our time, give up doing some of the activities that we enjoyed, limited our hanging with our buds, all just so we would have more time to focus on that person that made our heart skip a beat.

Everything was incredibly wonderful as we would grow closer, more intimate with our feelings, exposing our emotional side in ways we would never think we could do with another. But there we were, even shedding a tear in the intimate embrace of this one that had now captured our heart.

Then that day of great risk and faith comes and we ask that person to become our spouse, to spend the rest of our lives together, sharing in the bliss that we had been sharing since that first day when we met. The "I do's" and the "I will's" are exchanged before God, family and friends, along with pledges of total love, eternal bliss, you only, complete commitment.

Those first months, even into the first year or two, that bliss remains. Each day is new, full of discovery and pleasure, overshadowing those momentary bumps in the marital road. But then, as houses are bought, furnished, cars repaired or replaced, jobs become even more important because they help meet the ever growing financial responsibilities that have and are accumulating. Children come along, demanding attention, requiring more money, infringing on what was once our personal time and space.

Then you notice that those cute little things your spouse does aren't as cute now. The dirty socks on the floor have become a source of complaints, toothpaste squeezed in the wrong way brings a rolling of the eyes, whiskers in the sink brings a curt reprimand. And before you know it, bliss, pleasure, intimacy, and joy, aren't the words you would probably use to describe your marriage.

Oh, you love each other. But that newness, that enraptured sense of discovery and excitement and intimacy has become a silent longing in your heart but not near the reality it once was.

What happens to a marriage or a relationship that takes this turn and continues down this path? Well, at best, they become a couple that love each other but have grown complacent with each other. At worst, they drift apart and begin to be drawn to other things to fill that void, possibly to another who they believe will bring that wonder back, along with a growing pain of a broken marriage and the loss of that first love.

I write this not because this is where I am with my wife. Thankfully, we remember our pasts well enough to work on keeping this scenario from happening again in our lives. Still, we must always be aware of that slow, creeping weed of discontentment that can so easily pervade a marriage.

No, I write this because this analogy applies to our relationship with Christ.

The Apostle John writes these words of Jesus to the church at Ephesus in Revelation 2: "...You don't have as much love as you used to. Think about where you have fallen from, and then turn back and do as you did at first.

"You don't have as much love as you used to." Those would be tough words to hear, words that would probably cause us to jump on the defensive with whom ever said them to us but when it is Jesus, telling us that we don't love him as we once had, for me, I can't argue. I can only hang my head and agree. I don't want to but I can no longer live in De Nile, I have to love in Re Al-A Te.

I do love my Lord but I am reminded, almost daily, that I love him with not my whole heart. I do love my Lord but I long for the days when our relationship was filled with wonder, discovery, intimacy, and joy. I miss those days of walking in the garden and having him walk alongside me but I seem to be spending a lot of my time hiding behind the bushes!

My struggle, where I am, again, in my life, is working my way back to that first love. I'm wondering about the ways, no, I'm re-evaluating the means of grace that God has provided for me to rekindle that intimacy. I want to feel his embrace, to feel his breath on my ear, to be able to sense his touch in my soul. I want to feel the vibrations of his words in my heart and the pulling of his love within me.

Jesus said to the church at Ephesus about their lost love: "Turn back and do as you did at first." I must go back to the basics. I need to go back to the things that have stirred the souls of the saints in the past, the means of Grace that drew them closer in intimacy with God.

Thomas a Kempis wrote: "Old habits are hard to break, and no one is easily weaned from his own opinions; but if you rely on your own reasoning and ability rather than on the virtue of submission to Jesus Christ, you will but seldom and slowly attain wisdom. for God wills that we become perfectly obedient to himself, and that we transcend mere reason on the wings of burning love for him."

I need to, I must, it will become my passion, to return to my first love.

"I'm Returning" by Don Potter and friends